7.10.2007

On Love, Cigarettes (Night 60)

Since my first Marlboro Red when I was standing at the bus stop at about age 15, I've gone back and forth between smoker and non-smoker. I've quit after being caught by parents, in order to keep a girlfriend, and most recently, after a throat abscess that landed me in the hospital twice about two years ago. i suppose that even through that, though, there are still things about it that are attractive to me.

For instance, I enjoy the smokers lifestyle. A typical night of mine as a smoker in college was spent at bars or coffee shops taking in more than necessary of what was served me, talking to made friends, and making new friends - whether fellow writers, cheating hostesses, or the owners of the establishment I was in.

Moreover, though, something I learned about myself not so long ago is that I have an odd - if not comfortable - relationship with pain. While not a "cutter" or anything like that, I do deal with pain, or painful experiences, by laughing through them in what is usually a self-deprecating manner. I would rather deal with the pain of hurting myself than with that of the actual "problem" afflicting me.

Something I linked this to earlier in the week is my opinion of love at the moment. For those of you meeting me through this blog, I'll just say that I've been hurt a lot in my relationships, and it sounds all so melodramatic but I'm of the mind right now that I can't continue to go through the pain of opening u to someone and then having them hurt me in return. in fact, shortly after my last relationship ended, it was to teh point where I was seriously considering hurting myself in order to not be able to be hurt by the "real problem" of the relationship ending, and so after picking up the habit again in teh not so recent past - this is why I smoke.

It's not because I believe my jokes of how "it looks cool", or that I even believe I'll be one of the lucky few who makes it to his 110's on nothing but a scotch, bacon and cigarette diet - it's because even though I know teh addiction only ends one way - at least I know it. There's no surprise end as in a relationship - no being cheated on, no engagement broken off, and no being told 'we're just not right for each other."

And so, as in any relationship, even in cigarettes there are consequences, and in New York City, it's not just consequences of health but of laws as well. Tis past friday night I was having a cigarette on an outdoor subway platform - a place with nary a "no smoking" sign in sight, when an officer of the law - one of new York's "finest", so to speak - came up to me asking for identification and fined me fifty dollars.

The citing officer told me the chances were good that if contested I'd get the fine reduced, if not thrown out completely, but that he had to issue the citation anyway. With that in mind, I'm panning ot plead "not guilty" and go before a majistrate to argue my case - I'm new to the area, there were no posted sings, and I wasn't hurting anyone but myself.